I felt pretty.
I was skinny.
I made someone proud.
I was confident.
I was happy.
I wasn’t lonely all the damn time.
I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

I wish and I wish and they never come true. I’m just sleep walking through life nothing else.

to those who came and visited me at the bbq that my parents threw for my sisters and I…. NOT.  I thought maybe this vacation to Virginia would be a great thing but tonight has proved me wrong.  Look I understand that life doesn’t stop when I come back to visit and all but seriously… don’t say you are going to come over and hang out with me and then flake out.  I am so extreamly frustrated.  I miss my house, my dog, my car, and my bed.  I miss Alaska and my friends out there… THEY are real friends.  I have had a few eye opening experiences just during the short amount of time I have been visiting.  Im glad I am visiting my family, though sometimes like on days like this I really want to be home.  Until next time.  KJ

Has really been looking up for me lately! I woke up a few weeks ago and realized that I was beautiful. Crazy I know but I like it that way. My husband is happy and I am too. :)

I am watching Beastly and the actors were reading a poem.  It caught my attention and I wanted to post it. 

HAVING A COKE WITH YOU

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O’Hara

Today was a good day but now deadlines for school are sneaking up and I am getting real stressed. I know I bring this on myself. I wish I knew how to manage everything. My house is going to shit and deadlines are approaching and I still want to go out and workout and take care of myself. Ugh when is this all going to get easier. I wish I could sing the state farm jingle and hey a bachelors degree for psychology handed to me oh and also my husband back from deployment Hey a girl can wish. Until next time. KJ

Happy Fourth of July everyone! I have been having a treat day so far I hope you all are too! Take a moment to think all the selfless men and women who fight for our country and our freedom! Until next time. KJ

So today wasn’t the greatest. I woke up in a horrible mood and struggled with it all day long. I was just sad and missed my husband a ton. My horrible body image problem get in the way today too. I am growing impatient and want to feel better. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and I don’t think that is to much to ask. Being a military wife is definitely not easy. All lot or sacrifices come with it. However, I would not have it any other way at this moment because my husband is worth it all to me. He’s stormy and risks his life for me and our fellow Americans. I am so proud.

I ended up taking a two hour nap today thinking it would help with my mood but it didn’t. I ended up going to a friends house and seeing her and her kids turned my day around she is an amazing person. I am feeling a ton better and I hope tomorrow when I wake up I have a better day then today. I totally deserve to feel happy and upbeat because that’s when I am at my beat for everyone including myself. Until next time. KirstieJ

This is Mikah he’s a fluffy 65 pound puppy. He is my baby. I love him tons.

Hubby and I

I want to feel confident. I want to feel pretty. Sometimes I feel like my husband could do so much better then me. Ugh. I really need to get this shit under control. I’m tired of waking up every morning wondering what it would be like to feel completely confident in myself. So gloom and down at this moment. I just wanna cry. It sucks. Until next time. Kirstie J